Lately, I've been feeling kind of.. empty. I don't have a better word to describe how I feel.
My spouse's back into our hometown for a bit, and although it's only been a few days, I just don't feel like anything interests me anymore. And that scares me a bit. Does that mean that my life has been revolving around him too much? I don't know.
With my studies, I put everything up to the last minute, like I wouldn't care about it anymore. But it really isn't it. I still very much enjoy what I learn and all the surgeries that we do. It's great, but a part of me feels like something is missing. I just quite can't put my finger on it.
I feel like crawling into bed with my dogs, and never getting out of it. I feel like isolating myself, not going out of the house, to school or to work. I feel like eating cereals, soup and pasta, but don't have the will to do anything more. At least I've done my dishes. There's that. I guess.
I wonder if I'll get out of this funk soon. I mean, it started before my spouse went away last week. It's been feeling like it was a long time coming. I'm still functioning, going to school and work, taking my dogs for the occasional walk, those kinds of things. When my spouse was here before last week, we used to go out on rides around town, just to get out of the house.
But I don't know what's been going on. My Effexor should be working, as they have for the past 1.5 year. I doubt that getting the dosage any higher than it already is would make any difference. But even though the sun is shinng, and it's a gorgeous fall day outside, I just want to stay home, close the blinds and just stare into space for a while.
I had 2 tests at school on Friday. I didn't go to school. I also didn't go to work for 2 days. This morning, I went to school and talked my way out of doing one of my tests at lunch time. I mean, I didn't bring lunch to school or anything, and since I'm gonna be working tonight, I need to get my dogs out for potty anyway. So I usually come home for lunch. But.. I really don't feel like studying for any of them. I kinda studied for one early this morning, though. But not for the important one. That's the one I talked my way out of, and since tomorrow's a holiday, I won't do it until Wednesday morning.
I surprised myself thinking "what if I was to fall down these stairs? would that be it? would it be over? would I get out of stuff for a while?", and that kinda scared me a little. I'd never think like that if I was feeling normal, or as normal as a person can feel on antidepressants.
I just need to find a way to brighten up my day, or at least my general perspective on life.
I chain smoke, now, and that's not good for anybody. It's mostly stress related, but I feel like I smoke more this semester than I did last year, even over this summer. I think I also use smoking as an excuse to procrastinate a little. I go outside a lot, with the dogs, just to get a breath of fresh air, but end up smoking every single time. Even after our walk last night, first thing I did when I came in was to get back out for a smoke. And to think I loathed smokers before, and had quit for like 10 years.
Oh well. I hope I start feeling back like my old self again soon. This can't go on much longer. My grades dropped since last year, partly due to the fact that I'm now working 20hrs a week and have only 1 day off to myself weekly. But that shouldn't be an excuse. I busted my ass off last year to get good grades, and maintain everything above 91. I can't fuck this up and stop giving a shit about school, 'cause it's costing me too much, and I've put too much effort into it already to say "fuck it".
Today's weight: 239.8
Weight loss since last week: 2.4 (a 0.99% loss)
Total loss: 10.4 in 3 weeks!
They say it takes 21 days to create an habit. I hope this one sticks for good. :)
In the past 2 weeks, at the Weight Loss Challenge at work, I was in the top 10 that lost the most! I hope I can do the same for this week as well.
The weekend went pretty blah in general. Snow blizzard closed most of the places on Saturday (no spinning for me, and the hockey game was cancelled), so we ended up watching a movie at home instead. Then today we went grocery shopping a bit, and I went for a nap in the afternoon (since I hadn't slept good at all last night and had woken up super early) while Hun was making supper. He thought I was sleeping so well that he let me wake up on my own. Results? I woke up too late to go swimming with him. But I think I still did good with my eating.
I'm hoping to go back to spinning tomorrow. There's a class at 12:15, and I think it'd be perfect timing for me. I don't think I'd be good going at the later ones since it'll be so close for me to go to bed before work.
Now onto the subject of this post: York Peppermint Patties. They are so delicious and refreshing. I found 3 left in the freezer just now, when I was putting away some ice packs. I wanted to have one so badly! But I did go over my calories by about 70 today, so why add another 120 on top of that, especially since it was a super lazy day. So I closed the freezer door, and backed away. They'll probably stay in the corners of my mind for a bit, and maybe I'll have one tomorrow. But not today. No!
'K, back to the dishes I go, so I can go to bed! Night, y'all!
Today's weigh-in: 240.2, so total loss of 10lbs! *happy dance* *cue: dancing animals*
We had a potluck at work last night. I'm proud of myself for not overeating like a maniac. I had brought chicken chili with lots of veggies in it, and there were delicious turkey and swiss sandwiches on baguettes, and chips and pop, and a veggie platter. I did have a bit of everything, with moderation on chips and pop. One of the guys had made very delicious chocolate macaroons, and I sooo wanted to have another one, but then I thought about it and decided that one was enough. Just 'cause I eat more of it won't make it more delicious.
A was in training all week at work, except that tonight I'm gonna be implementing what we learned in training. Thankfully, it's my last shift for the week. But I feel so stressed about the new stuff we learned. Basically, I was helping our Canadian clients with their banking. Now, I'm also gonna be helping our US clients. Regulations and laws are a little bit different from one side to the other, and I'm just afraid I'm gonna mess things up. 4 days don't feel like enough, but at the same time we've seen all the material we've had to see. So.. I guess it's just fear of the unknown. I hope I can cope with it without turning to sweets.
Oh, I realize I forgot to update after spinning. Oh. My. Lord! Man, am I ever out of shape. The first 10 minutes were kind of ok. Then after 20 minutes, I was thinking about quitting at the 30 minutes mark. The lady beside me was like "don't worry, it gets easier", which I sooo appreciated. Then I made it past that mark. But I also got a leg cramp in my right calf, and my toes felt a little numb in my left foot. The lady on my other side gave me quick tips on how to make the cramp go away, while still spinning, which I also terribly appreciated. By that point, it's like I couldn't feel like I was tired anymore. The funny thing about all of this? The next few days after the class, the only thing, really, that was sore was my butt from the freakin' little uncomfortable seat. And I was also more comfortable to see that I wasn't the only one really sweaty after just about like 10 minutes into it. That made me feel so much better and much less self-conscious. I'm going for another class Saturday morning, if the gym is open (blizzard warning).
'K, going for a swim, now. Have a good one!
I weighed-in at work this morning: 243.0, so down 1.6lbs from last week. A 0.65% loss.
Total down for the challenge: -6.6lbs.
All in all, I'll be honest and say that I did indulge a bit this weekend. I had delicious, delicious pizza and garlic fingers. Not as much as I would've ate before, but still ate maybe too much. And yesterday was a total carb fest, with rice/tomato/chicken soup and a sandwich for lunch, soup again for supper, and finished with cereals for breakfast (night shift, eh!).
But I did something good this weekend: Hun and I went for a swim at the YMCA, for 70 minutes. Had a blast, and burnt an insane amount of calories!
I've also decided to join the gym this morning. The YMCA has spinning classes on pretty much every day, and I thought I'd try and get 2 of them done each week. Hun is gonna be starting work soon, which means I'll be on my own for a while. They have some really fun classes that I know he won't want to do with me, so I thought I'd keep myself occupied and go for a couple of them too. And they have laps very often too, so I could go a couple of times a week for these as well. I'll try it for a month anyway. Hun is suppose to join me for spinning this morning, but I have a feeling he won't want to wake up in 45 minutes from now to go sweat some bullets. Oh well, I'll go on my own. My bag is almost ready. :D
So that's it for now!
Today's weigh-in: 242.2
That's 0.2 down from last week, so a 0.08% weight loss. Total loss: 8.0
Positive side? I didn't gain anything back. I mean 8lbs gone in 2 weeks, that's still pretty damn good, no?
I guess just eating better isn't gonna do it this time. Hun had bought Active2 for PS3, but I can't get into it. I tried it a couple of times, but I don't like the exercise program that much. We also have a Wii, so I think I'm gonna go buy a game like "Just Dance", or something fun like that. I didn't move around once last week, so it's catching up to me.
Here's to another week of loss!
I weighed myself this morning, on the scale at work, and I'm at 244.6. So officially -5lbs or 2% gone for this challenge. Can't wait to see if I'm the top 10! I'll know on Friday.
That's it! Have a great one, everyone!
Weigh-in this morning: 242.4. Down 7.8 lbs in my first week! (EDIT to add: That's a 3.12% weight loss!)
I was proud of myself yesterday, because even though I went to a little girls night at my friend's house, I did good. I had less than 15 chips, about a tablespoon of queso, a handful of popcorn, and between 2 and 3 ounces of Baileys on rocks.
We're suppose to go to a hockey game this afternoon, but if we're not going, it's way too gorgeous to stay inside.
Catch you out there!
I resisted pizza! Need I say more? .. Yeah, I will anyway.
2 days ago, on Tuesday, day 3 of what I'm hoping will be my new lifestyle, I went for a nap before work. When I woke up, Hun had made a delicious, delicious smelling pizza. There were 3 pieces left on the table, and Hun was passed out on the couch. There were bits and pieces of pepperoni in the pan, that I could've easily scooped with my fingers and ate them. But nope! I took a deep breath (sort of a mistake, since it smelled so good!), packed my lunch for work will all yummy good healthy stuff, and went on my way. When I came back in the morning, the pizza had been put away, but I could still faintly smell it in the air, and the 3 pieces were looking at me in the fridge. But I still resisted!
Resisting the pizza paid off, because the scale went down each day over the next few days, and I'm now down to 245.0. Yes, that's 5.2lbs down! :D I know it's just because it's the first week, and my body's adjusting to my new way of eating. But it's still very encouraging. *wiggly arms*
I'm using MyFitnessPal to track my food and exercise. I find it really easy to use, and there are more choices to pick from than FitDay. Feel free to add me if you'd like: GabZ1985.
Weigh-in when I woke up today: 246.4. Down 3.8lbs. :)
I got weighed for my official start of the weight loss challenge at work, and my start weight is 249.6. 12 weeks from now, I hope to be in the 220s. There are 35 participants in total, so the winner will be getting $175. Gravy on top! I'm not expecting to win, but I hope to be in the top 10.
I've started using "MyFitnessPal" app on my iPad, to track down my exercise (not much for now), and my calories. I like that you can customize a few things. You can add your own recipes, and the search engine is very complete. And on the app, you can even scan a barcode to add stuff to your custom food. How cool is that? Very cool!
That's it for now, I guess.
Every start of a new year is like a tiny wake up call for me. Every new year, I'm saying to myself that I'm gonna change my habits and take better care of myself, make better choices, and all that jazz.
Reading my last post from 7 months ago, however, made me realize how much I'm not accountable to anyone, even to myself, and how much I just don't take care of myself. I remember starting jogging again, but that lasted at most 2 weeks. So no, I didn't buy myself some new workout clothes or some new running shoes, as you may guess.
I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm at 250.2. Yes, that's right, I'm back where my ticker tracker started 2 years ago. Positive? I'm technically not the heaviest I've ever been by like maybe 2 pounds. (No happy dance, or points for that, that's for damn sure.) Negative? Well yeah, I'm 2 pounds away from being back to my heaviest!
Hun weighed himself too, and it really kicked us both in the face when he realized that he's 293 pounds. He's almost 300 pounds. I really never realized how much weight he'd gained since last year. Being unemployed for such a long time made him feel depressed and unworthy of a lot of stuff, and I think that because of those feelings, he wasn't getting out much at all, and wasn't moving much during the day either when I was asleep (I still work the overnight shift).
So like most people do when they realize how out of control a portion of their lives starts to get out of control, we've decided to try and support each other and make better choices together. We've had that epiphany before, mind you, but for the next little while, we'll try and be more careful. We went grocery shopping, and bought a lot of fresh fruits and a few veggies, which is seriously lacking in our fridge all the time.
On another note, I've entered a weight loss challenge at work. It'll run from January 21st to April 12 (12 weeks), and the first and the last weigh in will be done by a member of the wellness committee organizing the challenge. That way, it's fair for everyone. We're asked to weigh ourselves each week at the same time, including the first and last ones, to keep things as accurately as possible. Due to my awesome schedule, the only time someone could fit me in at 7am was on Tuesday morning. So that'll become my official weigh-ins for the challenge. That means that for me, it'd be like weighing myself at 7pm, since a whole day of eating has happened. I usually weigh myself after I wake up, on an empty stomach. So my starting weight for the challenge will probably be around 257, give or take a few pounds for food and clothes. And I'll try to weigh myself on the scale at the gym at work, 'cause that's what they'll be using anyway for the first and last weigh-ins. There's only one week, end of March, that I won't be doing it at work, since I'll be on vacation. I'll just my own scale at home.
So after this very, very wordy post, I thank you for your time, and hope to stick around this time. ;) 'Night!
I started running again today. I am soooo freakin' out of shape, it's unbelievable.. Argh..
My work schedule is from 11pm to 7am, so I decided I would run after work, when the sun is up, but it isn't too hot yet. So I went to the nature park we have nearby, and the trail is just a little over 5Km..
I downloaded an app for my iPod and it's a running program similar to Couch to 5K called Run 5K, except it's in 8 weeks instead of 9. Not sure how much differences there is, but the reviews were great, so I've decided to give it a try. The first week involved 6 minutes of running total for the first session, and 8 the remaining sessions, so you run for a minute at a time, it seems.
Well, as I mentioned above, I am really out of shape. I thought that I'd get to about 3K by the time the program was done. Boy was I wrong! I was a little over 2K when the program was done. Either I took a wrong turn on the trail, or I was really super slow. I started the program at 7:33am, and finished the 5K in total at 8:23am. So 50 minutes. I hope it's gonna get better by the end of this week.
I didn't weight myself this morning, but I will most likely do later when I'm up from my "night" of sleep. I'm hoping to be around 236. We'll see.
My Hun and I talked about our lifestyle and our lack of moving. It's part of why I started the jogging again. He did an awesome job losing and maintaining 40 pounds for a few months now, and he is in such a rut with being unemployed for the moment and having not much to do. We go to the dog park almost every day, so the dogs have a chance to run around and spend all of their energy. But after further discussion, Hun made me realize that we do more for the puppies than we do for ourselves. So we've decided not to go to the park for the week, and go walking with the puppies instead. They burn much more energy when they run with the other dogs at the park, of course, but we just stand around or walk at a very slow pace around the park when we go, so it isn't so good for us.
Oh! I know I'm all over the place, but whatev'! :P I've set myself some goals that I'd like to achieve. For one, I'd like to be out of the 230s by the end of May, and the reward will be a pedicure. I'm tired of being at this weight, and I have to set myself an achievable goal to start with so I can finally get into a lifestyle and stick with it. When I'm under 200, I'll buy myself some new workout clothes. Also, if I can stick with the Run 5K program until the end of the 8 weeks, this time, well I'm going to buy myself some new running shoes.
So there it is for me this morning! Off to the showers and bed I go. See you 'round!
So we went for a walk with the puppies. I gotta tell ya, on top of the 5K this morning, this 5K seemed like a really long walk! The weather was different too; this morning it was sunny, crisp, and cool, and this afternoon it was gloomy, humid and hot. The total walk took 1hr3m.
My Hun weighed himself this morning, after I talked to him about my goals. He wasn't too happy. I thought he had maintained, because he looked good and all, but he gained back 30 of the 40 pounds he had lost.. He wasn't too pleased.. And I was sad for him because he was so determined to keep on going too. So this really gave us both a wake up call, that we can't keep on yo-yo-ing that way and we have to develop better habits and now.
Speaking of weighing, I weighed myself after my nap, and I was 238.0. So, in the past week I gained a little under a pound. We did go to a buffet on Sunday night, and for Chinese food on Saturday night, so both nights I did indulge a bit, which would explain the gain. That being said, I'll try my best to eat better this week and hopefully will be 236 or less next week. ;)
Today's weight: 237.8
I'm stoked! Next time I weigh myself, if it's lesser than that, it'll mean I've lost the weight I gained within the last 4 years, and hopefully take it down from there.
New short term goal: 208.0 (high school graduation, 9 years ago (oh my, I feel old now!))
Let's do this!!
Today's weight: 239.2
It feels good to be under 240. If I can keep this up, and be under 238.5 before the January (and maybe less), then I'll be a very happy chickidee.
I haven't changed much, except I eat maybe a little less. My work schedule is 4pm-12am, so I tend to eat before I go to work (breakfast/lunch) and then on my lunch break around 8pm (dinner), I may have a snack between meals, one before the end of my shift, and then a little something when I come home from work, but that's about it. I also eat only until I feel full, but not so full that I feel uncomfortable. I still eat a little bit of junk food here and there, but maybe not as much as before.
So I'm hoping I'll update soon with a lesser weight. We'll see.
So here I am, at the end of another year of a long journey. Today's weight: 241.8. I've officially lost 10 pounds this year. I have not achieved my goal for the end of the year. That's ok, though. I still have a long way ahead of me, and I think I'm on the right path. The last weeks have been a little weird for me, with a new work schedule and some other factors. I was actually surprised not to have gain anything, really.
SuperMan and I have decided to start budgeting. We will plan our meals for the week ahead of time, so we know what to buy and also to work it around what's on sale. This way, it'll be easier to plan our week. He's lost his job this month, so he isn't as active as he used to be. After going down into the 240's, he's now close to 260 and he's not happy with that. So we're both motivated to do better with our diet and lifestyle in general.
I also had another motivation, so to speak. We want to go on a vacation down South (like Mexico or Jamaica, or something), in 2013, and I think that it'd be awesome if I'd feel better about myself enough to wear a bathing suit in public. I go to the pool once in a while, but am so self-conscious it's unreal. I'd like to feel confident (or confident-er) in a bathing suit. New goal for this new year coming.
This makes me think about the fact that I'm almost, almost, so close to being back to my weight of 4 years ago. And I'd really like to be under it before the end of January. So.. Here's to making more efforts!
Good luck with everything, everyone, and may this new year bring you what your heart desires.
Yesterday's weight: 241.4
Today's weight: 241.2
Even though I was 239.6 on Friday, well I wasn't under 240 for my birthday yesterday. I guess going to the restaurant on getting a few drink wasn't a good move. My Hun had made a big breakfast in the morning too on that day, so with all the salt ingested and everything, I guess my body just couldn't do it. Oh well...
Now that I've seen the scale dip under 240 again, I want to go straight down there. I'd like to be under 235 for the New Year. That's doable, right? Yeah, that's 6 weeks for 7 pounds. I just gotta do it right this time.
Wish me .. Not luck, but willpower.
Today's weight: 240.8.
So I'm almost under 240, and my birthday is on Monday. Not sure if I can make it, but I'm gonna try!
I'm also down 1.4 pounds since last week. That's good.
We're going to a restaurant tomorrow, to celebrate my birthday. It's a Vietnamese restaurant, and the food is really delicious there. I'm not sure yet what I'm gonna order, but I'd like to try something new from their menu. I'll plan my day around this outing, because I sure don't want to feel guilty about indulging a little at that place.
So that's it for now. Have a good weekend, and good (?) Remembrance Day to all who "celebrate" (commemorate? observe?) it.
Today's weight: 242.2
I lost 3.6 pounds in the 2 weeks. It isn't so bad. I have 2.4 pounds to go before I'm under 240, and I have 9 days to achieve that. It's doable, I think.
I didn't stick to the shake plan, simply because I have to eat my food. When I drink it, it makes me feel like something is missing. So I did it for like 2 days, and kept the shake for breakfast for another day or so, and then went back to real food but with less portions.
My early morning shift (7am-3pm) is kicking my butt, and I have no energy for nothing when I come home from work. I go to bed at 9:30-10:30pm, and even then it isn't enough. My Hun comes back from work around 3:00-3:30am, and it wakes me up every time. By the time I go back to sleep, I have like 20 minutes left to sleep before I wake again. I still have 3 weeks of this shift, maybe 4 depending on training, and then I'm going on the night shift 4pm-12am. At least I'll be able to sleep my 7-8 hours in a row without interruption, I think.
I have enrolled for the "gym" at work. They have a few cardio machines, free hand weights, and an all-in-one sorta weight machine.I don't have enough energy to go to yet, but I plan to go after work when my shift changes to night. Part of why I don't go, aside from the lack of energy, is because my Hun works nights, I barely see him. When I rush home, I can see him for a few minutes before he leaves for work. When I'm on the night shift too, well I won't have to rush home to see him 'cause he won't be there for another 3 hours.
So to summarize: 9 days for 2.4 pounds to go.
Let's do this!
Today's weight: 245.8
Once again, I'm facing the end of year, my birthday's approaching, and I have weight loss on my mind. I thought I'd never be this fat when I reached 25, but here I am about to turn 26, and nothing's changed much, really. I'm down 7 pounds from last November, so I don't really think that's awesome at all. My birthday's in 21 days. I'd really like to be 240, but I think it's a little unrealistic.
Here's what I'll try to do. I know it's not healthy at all on a long term plan, but I'd like to take a shake in the morning, a good meal for lunch, and a shake for supper. I want to have little healthy snacks in between and one at night (like popcorn, or something like that). I'd like to do that 4 days a week. Then the other 3 days, I'd take 1 shake in the morning, and 2 healthy meals with snacks. I want to try and go for walks with my dogs almost every day for 30 minutes to an hour too. I tend to be very, very tired when I come home from work, as I have to wake up at 5am to get ready and go for 7am, so I'm not sure how that one's gonna take. I do take my dogs to the dog park for exercise, as they have so much fun with the others that they keep on running after others and being chased for about an hour a day. But that doesn't help me, does it. I mean I walk the ground a little bit, but tend to stay at the same spot mostly.
So I'm gonna try to stick to this for this first week and see how it goes.
Oh, and I'd like to mention that another motivation of mine is that my Hun has lost about 35 pounds since August, and I'm afraid he'll soon weigh less than me. He's currently 258, so he's going down good. He did try to lose weight, and made changes to his diet. Plus his job is very physically demanding (he's a welder). But some of his loss is also attributed to stress, which he acknowledge and talked to a doctor about. I'm super proud of him, though, for making efforts to change his habits, and I think I can definitely learn from him. So him being only 13 pounds away from being my weight, yeah, definitely kicking my ass in gear. He's probably gonna pass me, but not for long! (I hope!)
Soooo see you in a week? I hope!
Today's weigh in: 240.2. This means 11.6lbs down since the beginning of the year. This averages 1.9lbs a month, so a little under half a pound a week. There are times where I saw the number go up, like I remember seeing 253, which scared the hell outta me! But 240.2 is the lowest I think I saw this year. 2 more pounds, and I'll be where I was 3 years ago, when I first started this journal and this journey.
My Hun and I are relocating 450km away, for Hun's work, and we've decided that since we're gonna start a new life, why not change our habits and lose weight in the process. This time, I'm not gonna be by myself, we're gonna be two in this journey. Hun has between 60 to 90 pounds to lose himself (230-200, but very muscular and large frame), and I still have between 70 and 100 (170-140) to go. We want to join Simply For Life together as a team as soon as we both get jobs to afford the costs. In the mean time, we're already making changes to our diets by cutting carbs, junk food and drinking more water.
We've already changed our exercise habits when we got Larry (our little Pug) at the end of December. I'm super concerned about keeping him to a healthy weight while he's young, to avoid hips problems and other health issues that are so common amongst that breed. We've also got another little dog to keep company to our Larry. Her name is Alice, and she's a Pomeranian and Pug-Chihuahua mix. Together, they keep us running! We try to walk them every day, but realistically we walk them between 4 to 6 times a week, for about 30-45 minutes each time.
So I think that's it for now for the updates. I know I don't update much, but I still like to keep track (sorta) of how I'm doing. When I weigh myself, about once a week or every other week, I mark it on my calendar to see how I'm doing over the course of the month. I'm happy to see the number slowly going down, though!
Thanks for reading!